Kid Rock was arrested right across the street from my house for getting in an "altercation!" How cool am I? Seriously, has Kid Rock ever been to the waffle house across the street from your place and picked a fight with someone? This single handedly gives me the right to tell this story every time I hear a Kid Rock song for the rest my life. 

That could have been me he picked a fight with, if I had lived here in October. It should have been me. Then Kid Rock would be famous for getting the crap kicked out of him by a 20 something piece of man. It probably would have launched my movie career,  what with my stunning looks and "bad boy" appeal. But that goes without saying. And I didn't just say it... Because I am the most modest fucking person in the world. 

Breast feeding an 8 year old...

Hahahahahahaha Ha ahahah Ha Ha HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Woops, peed a little.

A Mohawk Story

Saturday July 12th, 3:17 pm

It's so damn hot! I went for a run and sweat 7 pounds out. I think I should get a mohawk to keep me cool.

7:15 pm

Started drinking at the apartment with Kevin. Mohawk idea lies dormant.

10:30 pm

Arrived at Mo's and Joe's and immediately open a tab. Bar tender informs me that there is a 10 dollar minimum. I reply "Good, then I can have two." Bar tender doesn't laugh. 

Sunday July 13th, 12:15 am

Drinking heavily. 

2:30 am

last call. I frantically order tequila shots. It's a success. So I order more tequila shots. Then we're told the bar across the street stay's open later. Quickly, I race to get more tequila shots. It's also a success.

Sometime between 3:15 am and 4:30 am

Drinking beers at the apartment. The mohawk idea awakes, followed by kevin saying "I'll get my clippers." Kevin shaves me, Tyler art directs... I feel awesome. 

Steven Seagal V.S. Chuck Norris

Easy, Seagal. Why? Simple. Not only will Seagal give you the most holy beat down of your life, but he'll make you a better person in the process. Chuck just leaves you there lying unconcious. You wake up, he's gone, and you go about your life as if the uppercut never happened. Seagal, on the other hand, will spice up each roundhouse kick and elephants throat stomp with tidbits of life changing advice.
Usually it happens like this: Man throws cigarette butt on ground. Seagal politely slaps him in the face and mentions that there is a garbage can located around the corner. Man laughs. Seagal doesn't find anything funny. Man recieves a frontal snap kick that sends him back in time. Seagal tells the man that small animals can mistake the cigarette butt for food and choke them selves. Man understands Seagals concerns and apologizes for not being sensitive to mother earth. Man quits his job at the oil refinery. Man volunteers teaching children how to clean up their community. Man receives The Medal of Freedom, the highest honor bestowed on any civilian. Millionair super-model Gisele dumps Tom Brady and marries man.
Thats how it usually happens.

Is Facebook better than Myspace?

Yes.

Lets get a little naked...

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