Olive Garden

... I don't get it. Why are these shitheads laughing.  You can almost hear the director thinking "fuck my life." I mean my god... Someone please rub this ad with something hard and sand-paperish.

Maybe if we ignore it it'll go away. So, reader, how was your day? I did some laundry... yea it had been awhile. Today is thursday, thats my shower day... so I showered. (Is it still there? God damn it.)  

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OLIVE GARDEN WE HATE YOU. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS!!!

No, don't start crying... Do not start crying. Jesus, you really are pathetic. What's that? You've got never ending pasta bowls and 5$ soup and salad specials? Hmmm, well, hold on a second... I'm sorry about that. I've had a hard day. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Let me give you a hug. Damn, you smell amazing. Wanna hang out a little? Of course I want to! Could we eat soup and salad? Yes? Your the best, Olive Garden!

Hey Look, I learned Jazz Aerobics! part 1

After careful consideration, I have decided to compete on America's BEST Dance Crew. Clay, Kevin, and I have put together this sick video that drops it like it's hot, runs it under cold water, then sticks it in the microwave and makes it hot again... and again and again. Thats right bitches, chiggity check our fresh moves as we groove to this funky jam. If you look close enough you can spot the revolution coming. Can't see it? Look closely-er. I'm expecting a call from Randy "Bassist of Journey" Jackson any moment.  Randy "The Kankle" Jackson had Gastric Bypass Surgery in 2003.  Apparently the surgeons left shitty TV show ideas  in place of fat. Which explains all the shows produced by Randy "The Hamburgler" Jackson. But in all seriousness, type 2 diabetes is no laughing matter.

P.S. Due to "technology" being a total whore I had to post the video down there, in the post below this one. See it? Cool. I'm gonna go practice. 

Hey Look, I learned Jazz Aerobics! part 2

 

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Atlantians are so nice!

The other day my roommate and I went up to Lenox Mall for a nice Saturday of shopping and lattes. It was super hot outside. The sweaty kind of hot. Apparently some nice man saw my roommate and I walking inside the mall all sweaty, because when we came back this note was on the windshield of the car.

Some friendly Atlantian named Kevin gave us this piece of paper to use as a fan, and then wanted to hang out sometime so he gave us his number. Thanks Kevin, I will deffinetly be giving you a call.

I am passion fruit

     

Passion is TOTALLY the best emotion. But Passion Fruit is something so much more... Its not so much sweet as it is tan, chiseled biceps and calves the size of small cantaloupes (A jealous step brother of Passion Fruit). It's the number 1 chosen fruit of the explorers who first wooed amazonian warrior women. It's the kind of sweet that you hate to love to hate to lust for. In fact, it's not really sweet at all. But it hurts so good that once, nor thrice is ever enough. Beautiful, masculine, liquid, streamlined, robust Passion Fruit.  It's Passion with a capital "P" no matter how far away from the beginning of the sentence it lies. If this Passion were a color it would be transparent. That doesn't make sense? It does to Passion Fruit.

P A S S I O N... 

Careful, that Passion Fruit might get you pregnant, and then get your baby pregnant. It's called a double pregnancy and Passion Fruit is the only fruit that can make it happen. Because that's what Passion Fruit does... it gets you pregnant... doesn't matter if your a dude.

F R U I T...

Passion Fruit doesn't sweat, it perspires. It doesn't fart, it emits pheromones with extra moan, and it doesn't try, it just succeeds at everything it does... without trying. But no one is ever jealous. They just understand that thats what passion fruit does... it succeeds at everything... especially love making.

Thats why Passion Fruit is my power fruit.

Oh, and my power animal is an Alpaca. 

Kid Rock was arrested right across the street from my house for getting in an "altercation!" How cool am I? Seriously, has Kid Rock ever been to the waffle house across the street from your place and picked a fight with someone? This single handedly gives me the right to tell this story every time I hear a Kid Rock song for the rest my life. 

That could have been me he picked a fight with, if I had lived here in October. It should have been me. Then Kid Rock would be famous for getting the crap kicked out of him by a 20 something piece of man. It probably would have launched my movie career,  what with my stunning looks and "bad boy" appeal. But that goes without saying. And I didn't just say it... Because I am the most modest fucking person in the world. 

Breast feeding an 8 year old...

Hahahahahahaha Ha ahahah Ha Ha HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Woops, peed a little.

A Mohawk Story

Saturday July 12th, 3:17 pm

It's so damn hot! I went for a run and sweat 7 pounds out. I think I should get a mohawk to keep me cool.

7:15 pm

Started drinking at the apartment with Kevin. Mohawk idea lies dormant.

10:30 pm

Arrived at Mo's and Joe's and immediately open a tab. Bar tender informs me that there is a 10 dollar minimum. I reply "Good, then I can have two." Bar tender doesn't laugh. 

Sunday July 13th, 12:15 am

Drinking heavily. 

2:30 am

last call. I frantically order tequila shots. It's a success. So I order more tequila shots. Then we're told the bar across the street stay's open later. Quickly, I race to get more tequila shots. It's also a success.

Sometime between 3:15 am and 4:30 am

Drinking beers at the apartment. The mohawk idea awakes, followed by kevin saying "I'll get my clippers." Kevin shaves me, Tyler art directs... I feel awesome. 

Steven Seagal V.S. Chuck Norris

Easy, Seagal. Why? Simple. Not only will Seagal give you the most holy beat down of your life, but he'll make you a better person in the process. Chuck just leaves you there lying unconcious. You wake up, he's gone, and you go about your life as if the uppercut never happened. Seagal, on the other hand, will spice up each roundhouse kick and elephants throat stomp with tidbits of life changing advice.
Usually it happens like this: Man throws cigarette butt on ground. Seagal politely slaps him in the face and mentions that there is a garbage can located around the corner. Man laughs. Seagal doesn't find anything funny. Man recieves a frontal snap kick that sends him back in time. Seagal tells the man that small animals can mistake the cigarette butt for food and choke them selves. Man understands Seagals concerns and apologizes for not being sensitive to mother earth. Man quits his job at the oil refinery. Man volunteers teaching children how to clean up their community. Man receives The Medal of Freedom, the highest honor bestowed on any civilian. Millionair super-model Gisele dumps Tom Brady and marries man.
Thats how it usually happens.

Is Facebook better than Myspace?

Yes.

Lets get a little naked...

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